Nosce te ipsum
Yo – your girl is back and shocker this is not a blog post about a new year or reflecting on an old year. Miracles. happen. every. day. This miracle is really just the result of me watching a movie that got me all up in my feelings and I haven’t been able to shake it fully. That and I just started another load of laundry so I cannot yet retreat to my room to read library e-books on my phone and send my little brother TikTok videos. You know once I get comfy in my bed I will not be able to convince myself to a) get out of bed and b) venture down to the Murder Basement™ to retrieve the laundry. I swear the spiders get bigger the later in the night it gets.
This has been a big year of self-evaluation for me. Probably for a lot of us with all this downtown. For me, the last few months have created a perfect storm with having hit the big 3-0 late last year. So it’s self-isolation plus a 33% life crises – the perfect cocktail to take stock of everything. And that stupid movie I just watched had a line where it talked about taking responsibility for oneself – for one’s own life. And dangit, if that didn’t hit a bit too close to home.
I went on a girl’s trip to Eureka Springs last year as a dirty 30 celebration (side note, literally a dream trip. We adventured to springs, explored caves (and sang songs about taking cave baths), got massages, ate delicious food, hunted actual ghosts (PENDULUM), listened to hilarious songs, and cried our ever-loving eyes out over Steve Irwin). On our drive back she read me questions from a Xanga-style quiz we used to do in our younger years (what’s the nerdiest thing about you [I have a tattoo with a quote from my favorite fantasy book], when was the last time you cried [that morning over Steven Irwin], what’s your favorite drink [mountain dew]… you get the picture.)
One of the questions asked for my biggest character flaw.
I’ve thought about this a lot since I answered it. That whole first-step-to-recovery-is-admitting-you-have-a-problem thing because I do think the first step to growth is understanding what has held you back.
I think one of my biggest character flaws if my lack of confidence. I temper my expectations because I don’t believe I can obtain things. I have a hard time trying for things, reaching for things, or even working for things because I’ve already decided that I won’t succeed (or I’m slightly terrified that I will succeed but I won’t be worthy of that accomplishment). Because of this, I think I can undercut myself. I can miss out on opportunities, experiences, and adventures.
I’ve always had a bit of a nasty inferiority complex. Call it the curse of the younger child. Blame it on the pressure of having rockstar overachievers for older siblings. Whatever you will, I spent a lot of time when I was younger being really (really) really defensive about this. I sought out things no one else in my family did because then I wouldn’t have any prior standards to live up to. (Don’t make me relive the time when one of my brothers tried to teach me some new soccer movies and I had a Gretchen Weiners style breakdown where I informed him that soccer was MY thing and how dare he try to teach me about it… Seriously ugly).
This isn’t to say that I’m always living under this cloud. Often I work for and try for and accomplish things of which I am incredibly proud. Some times I just need help. I need encouragement from outside myself, support, or just plain someone pushing me into opportunities. Other times, I gather my strength through gentle reminders. I collect kind things people have said to me that meant a great deal, and I use these as reinforcements for the times when I cannot muster up the belief I need in myself. Instead, I’ll use an email I got 3 years ago when someone close to me remarked that I was tough. Although I’ve never thought of myself as tough, they truly believed it – so maybe I am tough.
When I worked in retail during college, if I was assigned the worst jobs to do I would lie to myself and convince myself they were my favorite jobs. Then slowly, they became the things that I enjoyed doing. I tricked myself into finding the fun in the job (hello stocking the freezer). This is my approach now – trying to shift some of those pesky naysayers that live in their comfortable little condos in my brain and instead tell myself that I can do it. I am strong. I am kind. I am funny. I am a little bit tough.